Your Reality Is Fiction

As we gathered around at the office on Nov. 8 to watch Hillary's historic, landslide victory on TV, something sinister happened that a regular citizen like you could never have expected. Working together behind closed doors, all of the Republican propaganda outlets, including CBS, CNN, and MSNBC, decided to lie to their viewers and claim that an orange-skinned freak somehow got elected president. As skilled investigators we knew right away what was going on, but it's understandable that an Average Joe like you would believe everything you see on TV. Obviously, all levels of the government joined in on the scam, as government officials were terrified of getting harassed by haters for daring to speak the truth. As far as we can tell, we're the first and only organization with the courage to publish this groundbreaking story, and it's only a matter of time before someone posts a comment below saying that they don't like us.

You might be asking yourself how you can prove to everyone that Hillary's the new president. Don't even bother. Their weak minds are so corrupted from reading webcomics all day that they can no longer tell reality from fiction. These deplorable people think that they're actually living inside of a webcomic, and they really believe that they're allowed to create any deranged fantasies they feel like making up. If you see anyone online say that we have an orange president, block them, unfriend them, or do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your family. If you're in a situation where you encounter these people in real life, use any means necessary to shut them up. Remember, they're the ones who declared war on America on Nov. 8, so anything you do to stop them is considered self-defense.

This fight isn't going to be easy. All branches of the military defected in support of that orange monster, so the Webcomic Police are the new military force of the United States. There aren't that many of us here, but we're going to drink protein shakes and work out three times a week, so we've got it covered. If you're wondering if we're going to do leg day, no, we're not doing leg day. It's a waste of time. Chest, arms, back, and abs are what we're going to be focusing on, and we're tired of people telling us that we need to do our legs too. Just leave us alone about it, okay? And no, we don't have little chicken legs. Our legs are fine.

Anyways, we know that it's complicated having both a real president and a fake one. The Republicans have the House and Senate or whatever, because Congress is just some weird political thing that doesn't matter, but we're safe because President Hillary's going to veto any dumb stuff they try to do. If Congress pretends like they're doing something important, ignore it. It's vetoed, so it didn't happen. If someone gives you a hard time about it, tell them that you've done your research and send them a link to this post. The point is, you're the well-informed one with a firm grasp on reality, and it's not your fault that everyone around you refuses to grow up and get with the program. They're no better than those basement-dwelling Bernie supporters who wanted Hillary to lose just so everyone would be as miserable as they are.

We want to end this post on a positive note, so we're going to offer the Republicans a compromise. We'll forgive them if they admit they were wrong and swear an oath of loyalty to President Hillary, but in exchange, she gets five terms instead of two. They also have to agree to delete the First and Second Amendments from the Constitution, but we'll let them secede two red states of their choice except for Texas. Lastly, they have to execute their orange piece of garbage and bring us his head, but we'll let them build that Keystone pipeline thing they keep whining about. We think these terms are extremely fair, and a Republican would have to be completely out of his or her mind to not enthusiastically accept them. If you're someone who doesn't know how to distinguish reality from fiction, post a comment below saying you accept that your candidate lost, you apologize for being so stubborn and delusional about it, and you promise to support President Hillary no matter what.

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