As you're reading this, citizen, you're probably stuck at some boring office job where you're surrounded by a bunch of sniveling nobodies. You wish you could say something that would prove to these losers once and for all that you're better than them, but you always come up empty since you're just a lowly citizen like they are. But before you kill yourself, take a moment to listen to us explain how the government's here to rescue you from your inferiority.
If you read last month's news report, you'll know all about a few superstar celebrities who used to be expendable citizens like yourself. And while you'll never be as valuable to society as those individuals, you can still take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that will let you endlessly gloat to the lowlifes around you. That's right, citizen: for the first time in the history of the Webcomic Police, we're actually allowing random people from the Internet to apply for the prestigious and very enviable position of being one of our unpaid interns.
Now, before we get to the "deets," as kids say these days, we'd like to take a moment to address a conspiracy theory out there that says some of our former interns recently filed a lawsuit against us. First of all, everyone knows that you can't get PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, from reading webcomics, and second of all, intentionally self-inflicted wounds don't qualify as work-related injuries. These are facts, not opinions, and anyone who wants to argue otherwise deserves to be locked up. However, none of this matters anyways because there are absolutely no lawsuits against us, and anyone who claims otherwise or posts fake legal documents is a troll.
With that out of the way, let's get back to how exciting this opportunity is. Working for the government means that you can tell all those other citizens that their lives are just a meaningless waste of time. Imagine how impressed everyone will be when you tell them that you're actually helping the Webcomic Police protect the country. They'll be begging you to friend them on Facebook, and that's when you'll slip on your sunglasses and say, "I don't have time for Facebook. I need to go finish writing a webcomic review."
Here are just a few of the amazing perks our unpaid interns enjoy:
- Work from anywhere -- even at an amusement park
- No hassle from having to cash paychecks
- 100% job-satisfaction rating*
- Tell those annoying trolls that you're "a webcomics expert"
- Impress dates by saying you "do classified government work"
- Hide behind the veil of anonymity
- Look cool wearing sunglasses at night
- Sleep the entire day and then read webcomics till 4 a.m.
- No personal hygiene requirements
- All nationalities welcome -- just say the U.S.A. is #1
We know that you can't wait to start serving your country, so send an e-mail right away to firstname.lastname@example.org explaining to us why you're the perfect candidate for one of these limited positions. Remember, citizen, this is the only chance you'll get in your entire life to be almost like a V.I.P. When you get old, do you want to be the cool grandparent who reviewed webcomics back in the day, or do you want to be just some weird loser who never reviewed anything? Make the right choice, citizen, no matter how much you hate reading webcomics or feel like you deserve to get paid for working hard. As President Barack Obama once said, "Don't ask what your country can review for you -- ask what you can review for your country."