Back then, we might have considered the case a dead end and pursued a more fruitful endeavor, such as studying professional wrestling in order to improve our self-defense skills. In this post-9/11 world, though, we just can't afford to take any chances. Unfortunately, though, the 1998 Mall of America case isn't an isolated incident. There are literally millions upon millions of unsupervised American citizens out there doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who. To put it bluntly, it's a recipe for disaster.
Now, here at the Webcomic Police, we've assembled one of the finest, most vigilant police forces in the history of humanity. However, look at what we're up against: more than 300 million Americans potentially loitering at their local malls, or even worse. Think about it: a handful of police officers having to try to keep 300 million people in line. We're heroes, but we're not superheroes. As Officer Smiles likes to shout when he's researching Call of Duty at the office, "We're gonna need backup!"
That's where you come in, citizen. We know you haven't been trained at the Webcomic Police Academy in Washington, D.C., like we have, but, frankly, we don't have a choice. Right this moment, there could be someone out there thinking something they shouldn't be thinking, and with our limited, overworked staff, there's absolutely, positively nothing we can do about it. We need to have eyes and ears at every street corner, every convention, and every Internet forum in the country. We hope that you'll join us, patriot, in helping to change America into the Orwellian police state it was always meant to be.
- Write something primarily about webcomics and e-mail it to email@example.com
- That's webcomics only -- no print comics, although they can be mentioned
- Must be at least 500 words long
- All entries must be received by 11:59:59 p.m. EST on December 31, 2013
- Only one entry per participant, although the entry can be revised before the deadline
- Provide a link to your personal site or blog (optional)
- You can write about a webcomic that's already been featured on this site
- Videos hosted on YouTube might qualify if they're lengthy and high-quality
- No trash-talking or personal attacks on creators
- Entries can be disqualified for any reason
All participants who meet the guidelines and aren't disqualified will receive the following:
- A unique, hand-drawn sketch card done in pencil and ink
- A "Thank You" letter from the President of the United States
- Their entry posted on the blog along with a link to the participant's personal site
All qualified participants will be contacted via e-mail once the contest is over, and will have until 11:59:59 p.m. EST on January 31, 2014, to respond with their mailing address to receive their prizes. (We'll pay for shipping.) Participants who don't provide their mailing address by that date will be e-mailed digital versions of the sketch card and "Thank You" letter instead. Also, entries will be posted on the blog at a rate of one per week, and they'll be displayed as close to their original form as possible.
In addition, three (3) finalists with the best submissions will receive the following:
- A government-approved graphic novel (selected at random)
- A Dunkin Donuts gift card (for the sugar and caffeine needed to fight crime)
- Security clearance to log in and submit posts to this site
- The prizes listed above that all participants get
Finalists will know what graphic novel they won before it's sent, so they can choose a different one if they already have a copy of it. Also, if the finalist doesn't live near any Dunkin Donuts, an alternative prize will be worked out. Finalists have until 11:59:59 p.m. EST on January 31, 2014 to provide their mailing address in order to get the graphic novel and gift card; otherwise, an alternative digital prize will be worked out. (We'll cover the shipping costs.) Finally, anyone who's previously contributed to this site isn't eligible to be a finalist, but they can still get the participation prize if they submit a qualified entry before the contest is over.
Feel free to e-mail any questions regarding the contest to firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember: We're counting on you.