Homeland Battlefield

An untalented webcartoonist named Emmanuel Gonzalez was brought down and killed yesterday after trying to flee from our agents. It's believed that he was traveling to an underground Internet café in order to covertly update his webcomic, and a thumb drive was recovered at the scene of his death that contained JPEGs of several completed comic pages. These pages had poorly drawn chibi figures, some of which had their mouth drawn on the side of their cheek, and the story appeared to be yet another boring high-school drama.

One of our courageous agents fired his gun repeatedly as Gonzalez tried to run away, then finished him off with a coup de grace kill shot to the head. Investigators later found a sharpened No. 2 pencil in the street near Gonzalez's body that he may have intended to use as a weapon. Fortunately, none of our agents were injured in the confrontation.

Following Gonzalez's extermination, we purged his webcomic, which contained annoyed phrases such as "You're so kawaii" and "That's just bishu," from Smack Jeeves' servers. Internet users who attempt to access his webcomic are now redirected to a government website that instructs citizens how to inform their local law enforcement of any suspicious activity they notice.

While members of the Smack Jeeves community are still in danger of reading unappealing webcomics, they take comfort in the fact that they now have one less boogeyman to hide from. We appreciate the creators there who've chosen appropriate subject matter for their projects, such as praising President Barack Obama's accomplishments or depicting government employees as being selfless heroes.

Gonzalez is the first of many we'll bring to justice, using deadly force if necessary. Webcartoonists have shown our country no mercy, and we'll give them none in return.

We have control. We keep you safe. We are your hope.

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